woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
