why didn't you poke me back
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
i think i just naturally attract stoners
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
