apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
