i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
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