I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
