home. puking in laundry basket.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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