i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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