I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
