Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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