either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
