I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
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