I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
