I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
