This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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