dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
