so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
