Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
