OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
