Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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