i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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