Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
This is my gift to your gina
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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