Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
