I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
