but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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