I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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