im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
