I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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