New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
