I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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