The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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