after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Randomize
