Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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