I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
