On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
