you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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