Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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