1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Christians are straight up FREAKS
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Randomize
