I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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