Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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