saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
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