i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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