i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
