1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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