Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
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