i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
