If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
