My underwear smells like fireworks.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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