took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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