This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
