You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
